In Texas I contracted with the Army Corpse of Engineers. In this particular instance I was replacing some guardrail in a park that had been closed for three years, in preparation for the park to reopen with the coming season.
We were attacked by fire ants so I grabbed my acetylene torch and set fire to their damned mound. The more I burned them the more they erupted from the bowels of the earth. At some point I torched some very tall grass that had been unattended for three years.
It's amazing how fast that crap can burn in the dead of a Texas winter.
My foreman grabbed a shovel and began to beat on the flames. With every swing of the shovel the fire spread even more. Of course the wind didn't help.
In those days there were no cell phones. But, about 1/4 mile away there was a public direct line to the local 911 Operator. I ran for the phone as the other guys did everything they could to make the damned fire worse with their shovels.
When I got to the phone I was panic-strickened and out of breath. I picked up the phone and it automatically rang once or twice, then an operator answered with "What is your emergency"? I couldn't hardly talk and was seriously out of breath. (Must have needed a cigarette.) I tried to respond to her but only grunts came out of my mouth and I was panting like a french.........well you know!
The Operator says "Sir, are you having a heart attack?" I replied with great difficulty...N-n-n-o, no, I'm having, having, having a f-f-f-fire. Send the f-f-f-fire depart department.
Of course she then wanted to know what kind of a fire and what was burning and how it got started and if anyone was injured. Hell by that time my guys were standing motionless on the road side watching the whole damned park go up in flames. By now the fire was headed for some brand new restrooms that had just been built out of all cedar, very rustic, beautiful restrooms and my life was passing before my eyes.
Now I hear sirens in the distance. I remember we were locked inside this park so I ran back to my truck, jumped in and drove to the gate. I got there as the big red trucks were driving up to the gate. Again winded from my run back to the truck I stumbled out of my pickup with a key to the gate. Panting and panicked I couldn't answer any of their questions. I swung the gates open and in came the trucks.
"THANK GOD YOUR HERE" I remember saying as the trucks sped past me. I was friggin wreck.
I can hear their radios jabbering and they are calling for additional equipment from neighboring communities. Upon my return to the fire scene one of my guys is trying to draw the firemen's attention to the new restroom buildings that they couldn't see through all the friggin smoke.
Man....I was having' a helluva fire by this time and I knew my career with the Corpse of Engineers had just ended.
Pretty soon here comes the other trucks from nearby communities. Sirens everywhere. One firemen wanted to drive out across the fire to gain access and asked me to use my torch to cut the guard rail open for his access. I tried to tell him he couldn't drive that truck out across that area and he told me in no uncertain terms that he was the fireman and I was only a worker bee. So screw him - I cut open the guard rail and he drove into the area.
The problem was the entire area was a swamp and I knew it. The truck he was driving was a water tanker. Need I say anything more about the weight of water tankers. This thing was a huge World War II (salvage) Army tank truck.
Wasn't a very pretty site bogged down and buried up to the three axles. The firemen was calling me several different names by this point, none of which can I repeat here. Hey...I tried to tell the guy but HE was the fireman and I was only a stupid worker guy.
By now there's about seven fire trucks, one ambulance, three police cars. I knew all the cops and they sat in their cars laughing their asses off. "CLINE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW?"
The restrooms were saved. A large tow truck had to be called to winch the fire truck out of the muck. The driver of the tanker couldn't stop displaying his childishness and chewing my ass. He made a fool out of himself and I was the guy that started the fire.
This all happened on a Saturday by the way. Not a Corpse Park Ranger in sight anywhere. Thank God!
Monday morning I drove to the Corpse headquarters as usual and before I could get out of the truck I hear over the loudspeaker, "Bud Cline come to the Reservoir Manager's Office.........IMMEDIATELY".
Well this was it. This was going to be my walking papers. This was the end of my association with the Army Corpse of Engineers. I hated the thought 'cause I loved the work.
I walked into the managers office and he told me to "close the door and have a seat". He had his back to me and was pouring himself a cup of coffee. The environment was hauntingly quiet. "Want a cup?" he asked. HELL YES I wanted a cup, are you kidding. I was a full blown nervous wreck.
He stood with his back to me for the longest time and didn't talk. I noticed him shaking and quaking and I thought maybe he was having a heart attack.
Finally he couldn't contain himself any longer, he turned around and burst into laughter. There were tears coming from his eyes and he shook while trying to hand me my cup of coffee. He was laughing his ass off. Between his gasps for air he said; "So...I hear you had a fire Saturday". "How the F did that happen"?
I told him I was cutting guard rail bolts and started a fire. He said "Well...shit happens"! Still laughing uncontrollably he asks ; "Got any idea what putting out a fire like that costs?"
WHOLLY CRAP...I wasn't laughing so much anymore. I never thought about having to pay for that sucker. That thought never even crossed my mind till then. We laughed and finished our coffee and he said since it was in the line of duty not to worry about it. Everyone had a good laugh from it.
I never did get up the courage to tell him I was burning fire ants.
......Lo ya wanna field this one fer us...........
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