This discussion, "Keep Close in Prayer", in In Memoriam (part of the category Special Interest Forums), begins, "Hey Son,
Sorry I've not been posting. I?ve been consumed with trying to prove what happened. I was there. I ..."
Hey Son,
Sorry I've not been posting. I?ve been consumed with trying to prove what happened. I was there. I saw the confusion in your eyes and on your face. I saw your shoulders and hands in the air. I miss you so much. I was doing a seam today and I started crying because you should be here doing them for me. It is so frigging hard for us to be strong but I'm trying. Your tools are
still your tools and always will be. God I am missing you so much. I'm trying not to be
mad at God, but I do not understand why He took you away. Mom?s making me pray.
I?m sorry God. I know he was doing something right and deserves to be with you, but I
miss him. He was a part of me. A part that I need in this frigged up world. Please
give him back to me. PLEASE. Son you keep talking to God and drive him crazy and
maybe he will send you back to me.
God life without you sucks son. I'm walking around kind of zombie like. I know I have to go on and in a way I have. I'm back working like nothing happened, but after work I'm right back to being crushed. I try to control what is going on inside of me. But then I get really upset with myself if something makes me smile. There?s nothing to smile about here. Then there is Mom and Darrin and that is something to smile about but again I get upset for it. Life for me will never be the same. I'm so grateful we had our time together and I would do it all over again even knowing the end. I promise you, dad will have your head stone as soon as we can. We are working hard to get it done. Your cousin Jake is back from Iraq and staying and working with us. My back and arm are both getting better and the more I write to you the stronger I get. I love and miss you so much.
I believe our life has it's path set in place from the day we were conceived. I'm honored that our lives have crossed Larry. You were here for such a short time and gave so much to everyone who crossed your path. You called me your savior, but I'm no savior just your friend and dad. You showed me love and I returned it. You showed me forgiveness and I returned it. You showed me laughter and I returned it. When you would show me something I would learn it from you. You thought I had answers but they were your answers. I just listened. I look forward to the day our paths will cross again. Untill then I will be thinking of you all the time.
Loving you all the time in my heart and mind and never forgetting you in this time.
You are half of my reasons. You are half of my drive. You are half of my life.
Your little brother is the other half.
There is a frozen place deep inside, dark and void.
A waste land, where fire burns cold…. Is that a contradiction?
The mind wonders, confusion takes control. Now is then and then tomorrow.
Wake up? Move ahead? No sure footing. How?
Why?
Anguish, anger, love and hope. It’s all mixed up.
For him I must….for you I will….somehow….somehow.
In moments of memory….music of past….images of love.
It comes and takes control. It shreds apart and consumes the very essence.
Hate for the world around. Love for the life that still abounds.
I can never be the same person I once was.
I will just learn to live with it.
I love and miss you Larry, more than any words could ever say. I love and miss you my Baby.
All of my love for always,
Mom
5/4/07
I miss you.
It begins in the depths of the soul….this longing.
It swells and begins to well up and outward….this yearning.
It overtakes the body inside and out….this desire.
It swallows the very spirit….this aching need.
Little things set if off.
A tool that was used by only you.
A flavor that was one of your favorites.
A sound that tap, tap, taps.
Behind closed eyes.
In pages of still gloss.
Tales of time past.
These are but replacements.
Not fulfillments.
And then it breaks free of the very core.
It grows hot, trembles, and quakes.
Quickly, it surges throughout every atom.
Finally, it bursts forward and out.
Crashing waves of searing salt crests the brims.
Forcing blurred visions.
Gasping sobs, uncontrolled.
Racked by grief.
I miss you.
Larry, I miss you more than any words could ever say.
All of my love for always,
Mom
5/2/07
How?
To step forward when all you want is to fall back.
To think ahead when all you can see is behind.
To find strength when the darkness feels so inviting.
To search for the brightness when your light has been diminished.
To force a smile when all you can do is weep.
When a piece of your soul has been stripped from your very existence.
When your very reason for living is no longer alive.
When the very one you nurtured from nothing more than a seed, the very one you promised to love, care for, and PROTECT until your very last day, the very one you dreamed for…..when he is no longer and never again will be.
When the pain is so excruciating, so unbearable that you think of wishing for your own death.
How? How then do you put one foot in front of the other?
How? How then do you think of tomorrow?
How? How then do you wake from the night?
How? How then do you look to the sunshine?
How? How then do you once again smile?
How? How then do you continue to live?
You find comfort in love.
You find comfort in the love you have for him.
You find comfort in the love he had for you.
You find comfort in the love you share for him.
You find strength in memories.
You find strength in your memories of him.
You find strength in memories shared.
You find strength in others memories.
You give love, comfort, and strength.
To those, who like you, will forever love, remember, and miss him.
But whatever you do, you do go on.
For him, for his memory, for the love he unselfishly gave,
You DO go on.
For you Larry, for you I will go on.
With all of my love for always,
Mom
5/2/07
His Brother, Our Son
A baby boy conceived just three months ago,
complications already the womb will show.
A baby boy conceived just six months ago,
the mother over swollen, no way to go.
A baby boy conceived just nine months ago,
not willing to be born without surgery, heart beat to low.
Finally the turbulent voyage complete,
a baby boy so beautiful, tiny hands, tiny feet.
A little boy born just five years ago,
our heartache is over, a new path to follow,
hand in hand, two become three,
true love all around,
no longer just us, now it is we.
So much love that we share, the joy untold,
a baby boy born just ten years ago.
Three is now four, love and joy it just grows,
a baby boy conceived just nine months ago.
“My baby brother” he says, a smile so bright and wide,
green eyes sparkle while looking down in his arms with pride.
A young man born just seventeen years ago,
a short stay on this earth, God said it’s time, now he must go.
Our circle now shattered, an inconceivable journey begun,
How do we go on dear Lord without his brother, our Son?
I love and miss you Larry... more than any words could ever say.
Thanks to all of you for listening and commenting. It helps more than you know.
This is me and my son. We pulled it off the semi truck and used a combination of carpet cart in the middle and two dollies, one at each end. Took it up a curve, 6 steps, and into the building. Me, Larry, and my wife got it in. Me and Larry got it unrolled and in position. He was my right hand man and best friend. I have lost more than a son. Just glad we where so close. I Love you son, with all of my heart.
It's really great Darian that you spent so much time with your son the way you have. So many parents are always saying that they'll spend time, and more times than not, it doesn't always happen. I spend a lot of time with my boys and love every minute.
It sounds like you had plenty valuable time with him and that's worth so much now that he's gone. You're also rich in great memories to carry you through this hard time. You guys are extremely fortunate to have had such a great relationship with your son. I wish you the very best.
And Darol, your right. We were very lucky that we did spend a lot of great time together and I cherrish every second of it.
When the accident happened we were on our way to finish the last day of a 5 day job. This past Monday we went back to finish it. There is no other rout to the house. My wife wrote another poem.
Passing By
Passing by.
The charred ground,
Scorched and blackened.
Our reflections gazing back.
As though they were film on a projector,
our memories play themselves out.
The visions….all too vibrant.
The sounds….all too clear.
The odors….all too fresh.
The sensations….all too near.
Despair consumes the essence.
Unadulterated anguish in its physical form.
Passing by.
The charred ground,
Scorched and blackened.
Sitting in the van breaking for breath,
like so many times before.
I see you there.
Your sun brushed, pecan curls
dripping with labor.
Bearing tools, pad, boxes of strip
from bumper to threshold.
Peridot gems polished in thought,
as you move mechanically about.
Whispering your name,
your magnanimous smile fills me.
Seam burned.
Memory interrupted.
I love and miss you Larry. More than any words could ever say.
been new to this site i have not previously read this,im so sorry for your loss in such a tragic way,you will be in my thoughts constantly losing such an important part of your life i pray you keep the strength
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