What Are Tools For?

[rgfloor]

Since everyone here loves tools, I thought you mignt enjoy what I stumbled across.

Subject: Tools Explained



Tools Explained

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative

[Chris Mha]

That's hilarious Rog. I thought you had reports to write yesterday?

[Jim McClain]

rgfloor said PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

ADDITIONAL USE: To poke holes in the sheetrock just above the baseboard.

[Chris Mha]

At the risk of getting off topic. The table saw description reminds me of the Bud Light commercial where the guy's buddy takes a 2x4 to the back after it takes off from the saw.

[Darren Ramey]

STRETCHER: Tool used for keeping carpet scraps from blowing out the back of a pick up.

[Lo Down]

I'm missing a few of those tools, thanks for the heads up.

[rusty baker]

HAMMER: a tool for flattening thumbs.

[cproader]

chainsaw, not fer cuttin chain.........

[cproader]

wolf whistle, best left in toolbox.......

[Lo Down]

Jim McClain said ADDITIONAL USE: To poke holes in the sheetrock just above the baseboard.

Never had that happen............ are we under oath?